Thursday, September 24, 2009

The rantings of a sleep deprived mother

I had a rough night.  Motherhood has been rough on me, as I am sure you have heard.  I probably sound like a broken record, sorry.  I am feeling on the brink of insanity and had to blow up on something, and I really didn't want it to be on my kids.  So you get to read my explosion instead.  Before I begin I want to make it clear that I love and cherish my children.  I am so grateful to them for I know that this is my GREAT life trial that I needed to grow.  Most of the time I thoroughly enjoy them, but its that percentage of the time that I am going to blog about today.

I think God gave me a daughter just like me to make me realize how annoying I truly am!  I was telling Aaron last night that she has to have everything a certain way or she will freak out on you.  You have to tell her good morning the right way, wipe her but the right way, push her in the swings the right way, and the list goes on.  Aaron has the nerve to tell me she is just like her mother!  I hadn't thought of that, and he's right:(  I know I have a huge thing about being in control, and apparently she picked right up on my worst habit!  So now we are two tidal waves fighting to see who gets to crash the beach!  I'm glad Aaron showed me what was going on,  because now, hopefully I can work on myself which in turn will help her.   Ironically Vaeh isn't what caused this rant.  It was Joseph.

Yes everyone, sweet baby Joseph has me dangling on that thin line between sanity and insanity.  Nothing would make him happier than to be permanently attached to me all day and all night!  As I type he is whining for me to hold him!  I have also said before I have the snuggliest baby, and at times I LOVE it, but at night, when I am trying to sleep I can't stand it!  My current sleep situation is as follows: we moved Joseph's crib into Vaeh's room, which she didn't like, so she sleeps on a mattress on the floor in our room, and since Joseph still wakes up at night and has to snuggle I pretty much sleep in Vaeh's bed with Joseph.  He is great about going to sleep.  He will just lay down, no problem, and I can walk away.  Its when he wakes up in the middle of the night he HAS to fall asleep next to me.  Now I used to just wait until he fell asleep and I would put him back in his crib, but it was too much for me.  I know what all of you are thinking, just let him cry a few nights, problem solved, right?  I just can't do that.  My husband and I practice attachment parenting, to one degree or another, and I have never been able to let my children cry for many reasons. 1)The sound of crying makes my insides twist and turn, 2)I can relate to them on some level, like if it was me, I would be terrified to be left in a dark room, alone, on the brink of my existence, crying my eyes out.  Bottom line, my instincts tell me to help them, so that is what I do.  I know the result, my insanity is on the line, but I believe it is what is best for them.  I don't believe you can spoil a child with love.

So that is my story.  For all of my pregnant friends out there, I know you are all afraid of labor.  Don't be!  That part was the best part for me, even the easiest.  The hard part is after, the actual parenting.  Its the best thing in the world, don't get me wrong, but it also may be the hardest.  Maybe I am just a whimp.  That is a very real possibility.  I think once we are done building life will get a little easier.  After all, Joseph and Vaeh are only seeing their dad a few hours a week now, and I am also gone more than they are used to.  Children are amazingly attuned to what's going on, and they are amazingly real.  What you see is what you get with kids.

I've run out of steam...good.  Hopefully you wont see another one of these blogs:)

Peace and sanity to all reading,


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